my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
