So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
