So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I checked into jail on foursquare
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
