the condom got lost in my hair
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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