If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
