Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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