I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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