you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
