u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
