She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize
