So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
