My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
