Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
