Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
