When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
