If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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