if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
