FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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