My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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