every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
