literally had 100 drinks last night.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
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Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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