Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
