I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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