So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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