and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
