no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think a kid would responsible me up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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