So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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