Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
