My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
