my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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