he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
