I bet he comes in French.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
