there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
