highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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