My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
