Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
