it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
