I'm eating all of the evidence.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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