I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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