goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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