I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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