I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
