I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
