I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
