I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.