it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
