if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
