Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
