Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
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All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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