Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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