Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
