I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
