His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
