You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
