omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
